Dear Lover,

I'm not the same person I used to be. It's sad that she's gone, and there isn't one day that goes by that I don't mourn the loss of happy person I used to be. I'm trying to bring her back to life, trying to force her out from whatever dark place she's been hiding but try as I might she's just not coming out.

She's made a cameo a few times, but it’s only for an instant and the minute I think I have a firm grasp on her she slips right through my fingers.

I wonder if she'll ever be back, if I’ll ever be the same person again, or if I'm destined to live with this new version of me that for the most part is a total stranger.

Some days I fight really hard to bring her back. I tell myself over and over again that I have to be strong for me...for her. And that all my hard work will be rewarded.

Other days...I worry that I should be focusing on the future and getting to know this new me and making her the best version she can be. Other days I think that I’m living in the past and that the new me is suffering the consequences of my inability to get to know her.

But I don't like her, I look in the mirror and I don't like this new version of me.

I worry constantly that you'll never get to know the person I once was. I wonder ALL the time how you could possibly be in love with this new version of me which, I think, is not a very nice person. The new me is moody and temperamental, she’s harsh and sometimes unkind, she's selfish and unpleasant. How on earth did you fall for this new me?

The idea that you love this new version makes me wonder if you would love the old me as much. Maybe the old me isn't to your liking. Maybe if the old me was able to rise from the ashes you wouldn't be able to love her because to you the old me isn't ME (since you've only ever known me as this new version).

I'm sad today. But I hope you don't see it. I hope that you only see me smile. Because at the end of the day, even though I lost myself....I found you. And having you in my life helps ease the pain.

Yours with love and hope,